Because I live in New York City, my primary enemy is the rats. I face them daily—they run their greasy bodies around mounds of hot garbage and shit all over my apartment’s welcome mat. But via their appearances in games, I want to work on our relationship, and everyone knows that ranked slideshows are the most ideal way to do that.
If I must constantly face the rats at home, in public, and in my GI tract when they inevitably spit in my mouth while I’m sleeping, I want our interactions to be pleasant. And in my most optimistic moments, I feel that I want our interactions to be not just pleasant, but something I look forward to.
I may not approve of rats’ “lifestyle” (eating baby diapers, killing people with the Black Death), but perhaps I could learn to via their more palatable relative, the personable video game rat.
In an effort to cast rats in a new light for me, I will rank 10 video game rats based on highly scientific criteria: niceness, style, and how unlikely they are to give you an incurable disease. I will give the rats a score out of five for these three categories, and the winning rat will both top the slideshow and become my best friend.
Are you ready? I’m ready.