The latest patch of Baldur’s Gate 3 has a lot of quality-of-life updates. It has a lovely little epilogue, a gnarly new honour mode that’s been giving Ted Litchfield spikes in his blood pressure, among many other tune-ups and fixes. And uh, schlong physics. Did we mention the schlong physics? Because Larian sure didn’t.
I’d show you proof, but while PC Gamer writes for adults and we all assume you won’t faint if you see the word ‘penis’, I think actively uploading a video of my tiefling’s pocket flail slapping around might be a step too far. Just—if you have a character with a penis, you can test it yourself. The update’s live. Go with god.
What’s more, this change isn’t even in the full patch notes from what I can see, though it’s definitely new with Patch 5. Unless I’ve just been erasing the note from my memory every time I find it like some kind of SCP. I’ve Ctrl + F’d every penile synonym and slang, and I feel like I’m starting to spiral into some kind of lovecraftian madness.
I’ve reached out to Larian for comment (and apologised profusely in the email, this is the last thing anyone from the studio wants to deal with after such a huge achievement) but I can’t let this go. Especially when Michael Douse, director of publishing at Larian Studios, casually retweeted this post from jumpscared user ghoulbrainz.
I just—I cannot find any mention of this in the patch notes. Radio silence from Larian so far. Just Douse’s solitary retweet. Sitting there. Taunting me as my tiefling’s pendulum swings like the sword of damocles overhead.
What baffles me is that this patch is already so large, and yet somehow—in between the over 3,000 lines of new recorded dialogue, during what must have been a mammoth effort work innumerable story threads into Withers’ epilogue, while a whole new difficulty mode with revamped bosses was being created, someone at the studio had the time to do… this.
A team of people, even. They sat down, they added penis jiggle physics to the game, and they didn’t even put it in the patch notes. Just leaving it in there like a flashbang ready to stunlock anyone who had the misfortune of taking their character’s pants off (me). Silent heroes, bringing forth jiggle equality before vanishing myth-like into the night.