Billionaire babies Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg are allegedly going to fight in a cage match because there’s no end to the nightmare we’re all trapped inside. There’s a good chance all their vain posturing will lead to nothing because they are famously full of hot air, but even the possibility has been getting a lot of attention. If you can’t wait to see two middle-aged crybabies try to fight, Blue Wizard founder, Bejeweled designer and Plants vs Zombies creative director Jason Kapalka has already made a free browser game that sees the pair go toe-to-toe in a wrestling match.
Zuck v Musk is a stripped down version of Blue Wizard’s existing wrestling romp, WrestleBros, and swaps the playable fighters for the titular babymen. Their large, grinning heads are stuck onto beefcake bodies, which is a truly harrowing sight, and the controls are simple enough so that you could play even while making very bad tweets.
To utterly demolish one of the billionaires, all you need to do is hammer the spacebar, which will let you pull off a variety of contextual moves, including picking up a chair that’s been tossed into the ring and smashing your opponent with it. There’s also a progression system where you can upgrade your fighter after winning a few matches—if you can get that far without questioning your life choices.
There’s an undeniable appeal to beating up either of these dead-eyed men, but all of it is undone when you remember that you’re also playing as them. It would be much more entertaining to toss a gorilla into the ring and watch it eviscerate them. Give the people what they want!
Zuckerberg and Musk are in good company here, of course, as former US president and sentient satsuma Donald Trump once headlined WrestleMania and participated in the Battle of the Billionaires. Wrestling really needs a better calibre of celebrities.
I can’t see Musk actually risking his vanity by fighting Zuckerberg, who is both younger and has participated in amateur jiu-jitsu competitions, so it’s probably for the best that this will likely be the closest we get to the unfortunate spectacle.